kboo19’s blog

It's weird when you actually spend time looking back on something that was so long ago. Sometimes it seems as if it were another life, because the changes that have happened make it impossible to believe that you really could have gotten along so well. There were fights yes, but they were typical fights between siblings, the words spoken were not meant to cause lasting pain. But a shift began to happen when they broke up, yes, it would be so easy to just blame it all on our parents, but the fact remains that we were all weak then. We could have done things differently, chosen different paths, but no, none of us did that, we took the easy way out. The consequences have been severe.

Where is that brother I used to love and look up to so much? Our captain of the pirate ship? Our protector from the mean, older kids. I remember that time we were being picked on. The bully had just started and suddenly you appeared out of nowhere and beat the crap out of him.

You always tried to include everyone in the games we played. You always tried to be fair, you never cheated unless we were all cheating for fun. You never meant to hurt someone, fighting was always just playing, you were happy. You smiled real smiles, you never drank, never did drugs, you were like the hero because you were older, but still young enough to engage in all our games.

Now the captain has gone astray. Our protector has become our tormentor. You are horrible to us, you try to hurt us. You're never fair, you only care about yourself now, you cheat to get what you want. You never smile, not really, you're never happy. You can't go more than two days without something in your system. You've torn us all apart...

I don't know when I'm going to see you again. Maybe as soon as I get home, maybe in a few years...maybe you'll really kill yourself by then, maybe I'll be better off without you, but I doubt it. I say I hate you, and I do, but you're still my brother so I love you.

OK

So if I can hardly last a week at my house what the fuck am I going to do once summer time rolls around? Seriously, I cannot stand being home. I don't mind being at my dad's house, but if I even dared mention spending the summer here my mom would literally cry. She cries if I come over here during the week! She's probably crying right now because I'm spending the night at my dad's! I can't stand it! I'm literally going crazy! I have not felt this edgy and angry for the longest time!

And ok, why is this break going by so fucking slowly? Usually breaks speed by but nooooo this one has to feel like I've been here for a month! I can't believe I was actually homesick, why the hell would I ever want to come here? I can't do this...I literally cannot stay here another day or I'm going to lose my mind. I need to get out of here, I need to go back to school, I need my independence back!

What am I going to do for the summer? I almost want to see if there's any on campus jobs that offer free housing and stay up in north adams even if that is wicked boring at least I won't be here! I cannot stand it! Nate was talking about getting an apartment, not this summer but the next, down in Rhode Island. He wants to get it with Laura but they'd need a third person and I said I might be willing to go and he said that would be fine...only thing is it'd be about four hundred bucks a month for us each...but I guess that's not too bad and we wouldn't find anything better...I'd just need to get a job in Newport and hopefully find out that I could walk to...

It's so tempting, so very, very tempting though I wouldn't get to see people much during the summer...which would suck. I don't know, I'm very bitter towards home right now and I just want to leave. I hate it here...

Ok, so I'm home and it already sucks. My first night back I had to go to bed early because I had to wake up around seven in the morning for an appointment. Well, I'm just about to go to bed and Josh walks in the room drunk off his ass and wants to hang out and watch music videos. So I say I'll watch one or two, down a little whiskey, and watch some videos and then head to bed. Well, the drunken bastard just keeps coming back in my room until I finally have to lock the door. He bangs on the door, I snap at him, he shuffles off to his room and then I can hear him yelling at me from his room but I just ignore him and he passes out.

So yeah, got my braces off which is awesome! I only have to wear my retainers at night too which is even better. So Friday was pretty much spent at the orthodontist. Dr. Woods gave me a rose when everything was all set. It was sweet I guess. So then I lazed around all day and lamented over the loss of wireless internet for a while before chilling with my mom. Then I headed to my dad's and did nothing.

Anyway, today I was on the computer and my mom calls and my dad is talking to her for a while and I can tell it's serious. My dad gets off the phone and informs me that Josh has been using not only cocaine, but heroine as well. He is now a drunken junkie and was being really outrageous last night. My mom drove by this rehab place but they were closed. I don't know what's going to happen. Hopefully Josh just agrees to go because my dad made it clear he'll threaten him with court otherwise.

Yeah, so that's been my life at home so far...I love relaxing vacations....

I am so happy right now! I had to do my French presentation today and Professor Di Giovanni was very impressed. I think I got the best feedback out of anyone so far and so it was a huge encouragement when it comes to putting more effort into that class. I am just in such a good mood! I was so boosted that I cleaned my room finally since it desperately needed it. I just need to sweep. Ahh, a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It is such a relief to get that over with and get positive feedback for it. Hooray! Not to mention the next one isn't until April, so there's plenty of time to rest.

I am proud of my work and therefore shall document it here for when I need to bask in my own glory >.>

Cette photographie est appelée ‘Naturaliste, rue de L’École-de-Médecine’.  La date est a été prise était mille neuf cents vingt-six. Dans cette photographie est un atelier médical. Il y a deux fenêtres face à la rue. Dans la fenêtre sur la droite est un squelette. Il y a beaucoup de crânes animaux sur le rebord. Aux pieds du squelette est un animal bourré. Il a l'air d'être une espèce d'un singe. A côté de cet animal est un autre squelette, il a l'air de quelque type de lézard. Aussi, il a l'air un oiseau bourré est à côté du squelette humain. Il y a un cas de livre derrière l’exposition.

            Dans la fenêtre à la gauche sont rayonne avec beaucoup d'exposition. Sur le fond il y a des têtes dans les pots de verre. Ci-dessus que sont des crânes dans les pots de verre. Sur la première étagère sont deux petits squelettes humains. Je ne sais pas quel est exposé entre eux.

            J'ai choisi cette photographie parce que j'aime l'éclairage. J'aime comment c'est en noir et blanc. Ceci donne un regard Gothique que j'aime à la photographie. J'aime aussi le mystère de la photographie et comment l'exposition s'est établi. C'est une photographie très étrange, mais je l'aime tout de même.

EVERYONE IS SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so afraid that I'm going to get sick too! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I don't want to get sick, we only have two weeks until Spring Break and if I come home sick again it will be most heinous.

Anyway, in other news...

I think my mom is thinking about moving. She called me today and at the end of the conversation she was like "So....I'm going to make some life style changes." Then there was this really long pause and I was like "yeah?" and she was like "Yeah..." long pause. "I'm going to make my own clothes again." I was just like 'are you kidding me?' and after that she was like "I'm going to let you go because it sounds like your phone is breaking up". But it wasn't, at all. So I'm thinking that she is planning on moving...which is fine if she is, I just don't know why she wouldn't tell me.

Gah, my mother confuses me to no end....

The reason being? Because Sundays are the days when I have to do homework. Ugh. I have to go to the library at some point because I have to do a five minute presentation in French involving a photo that can be found in a book at the library. It's highly annoying because I hate having to go to the library for shit like this. So then, basically I'm going to put that off for as long as possible and will end up going after dinner or something like that...

That's the main thing I have to do right now. I need to start sleeping better. The last four days I have gotten very minimal amount of sleep and it's starting to effect me slightly. I feel like I could pass out right now...which probably wouldn't be a particularly bad thing since I probably need more sleep...but eh, I hate sleeping after I've woken up.

So today is going to be filled with doing nothing. But whatever, it's all good since that what most days are like here. When I woke up this morning I could hear Blake coughing even though I'm in Sam's room and therefore as far away from the bathroom as you can be (well almost, there's another room after hers). So yeah, ew.

I'm still worried that whatever half the campus has I'll catch it but I really don't want to be sick again. Last time I was sick I had to go to the hospital, and though I doubt it would be that bad, I've had enough of being sick to last me the rest of the year and then some.

I always like to practice writing in French when I can because you know, it helps a lot, especially this semester which is a lot more challenging then last semester...I mean, I actually went to the professor outside of class for help and I NEVER do that. Anyway, I think the practicing is just taking over! Last night...or well, very early this morning if you must be technical, I wrote in my livejournal and I wrote the entry in French. It wasn't a long entry but still, I'm better at the language when I'm half asleep apparently.

That's not all though, today in Creative Writing I was still half asleep when we started our writing prompts. It started out in English, a story about a witch in modern times, but then it just switched to French. I suppose I should be happy about it, being able to write anything in French means I'm learning the language which is what I set out to do, it was just weird. I took a look at what I was doing and was just like...wait...what did I just write?

Anyway...moving on from that...I haven't really done much today. I took a nap earlier, which is a surprise for me, I never take naps and even if I set out to sleep, I usually just lay down with my eyes closed and never actually drift off. Not today though, I was out for a while (apparently Kirsten was trying to talk to me and I wouldn't respond lol). I woke up and felt really out of it, I felt like I was in my room at home for a minute so I was just like wtf? My room changed a lot.

Afterwards I went for a walk to town with Sam. It wasn't that cold, but my ears were in a lot of pain by the time we got back. We went to the Movie Gallery to see if they had Pan's Labyrinth but they didn't,  understocked bastards...on the way back some creepo riding a bike was like 'I don't know how you two could walk in this...I'm fucking freezing' and then rode away...but it wasn't THAT cold...ohh North Adams.

Now I'm just chilling in the room as usual and doing nothing. Don't really have any plans for the weekend, maybe party, maybe just relax since I already drank twice this week. Ehh I don't know.

Actually, there is no real party, it's in complete reference to the fact that I just started this vox thing. I do not really have much to write about right now. College is boring as usual as there really isn't much to do with the weather being so shitty and cold. My classes are all well and good, but they're starting to get monotonous, except for my graphic novel class since we're reading "Mr. Punch" by Neil Gaiman and I love him. The pictures are really grotesque and creepy, but it's cool.

I really need to get a hobby or something. When I don't have homework I just spend all my time online...and if I do have homework I put if off and spend all my time online. But there really isn't much else to do. I could play video games, watch TV or if I'm feeling really daring pop in a movie. Ohh joy. So yes, needless to say I could do with some time away from this campus and so Spring Break is a huge thing to look forward to.

Well, that's about all I have to say right now. A friend really wants to chat tonight so I may have to rebuild the blanket fort...oh joy, she's lucky I'm not tired, that's all I have to say.

One Hour Later...
Ok, so apparently that was not everything I had to say. You know, there are some things that just end up pissing me off...I don't have to be connected to the issue at all and it was still grate on my nerves. You can say what you want to me and I will brush it off, but I absolutely HATE it when someone attempts to insult a friend, no matter how feeble that attempt may be.

I'll admit I was curious, I was curious to see the other side of the argument, so I looked and now I'm pissed off. I just do not like how people can blatantly say they're better than someone when they're doing the EXACT same thing as the person they're fighting. How do you win if you sit there just saying the other person is childish and stupid? Yeah, nice comeback I guess...You can carry on and on about how you're better and stronger and all that bull shit, but if you were really so fucking wonderful and if you really wanted to 'drop the entire issue' wouldn't it be smart to...oh, I don't know, just not respond?

I doubt I'll ever talk to this girl directly, I doubt if I'll ever talk about her in a blog again because I, unlike her, really do mean it when I say I'm dropping this whole thing. I was only curious about it because I heard so much about it because 'little miss I want her to leave me alone so I'll keep trying to insult her to see if that will work' wasn't 'strong' enough to drop it.

Well, with that said, I have officially had my rant against what sounds like a horrible bitch that I am grateful I will never have to talk to...unless of course she keeps trying to insult Kirsten, in which case there's going to be fucking hell to pay...